What's going on

You know sometimes when you’re looking for that moment when things turn around? I’ve had probably a few days where the morning voice of “today’s going to be different” was meant to happen. I have 7 days until exams from tomorrow and I still haven’t completed a full one. Every time I get to a small exam there’s far too many questions I don’t know I feel so unproductive I switch to other work like flashcards, which is slower or I just give up - AND I DON’T WANT TO. It’s weird to confront that mortality of not actually getting more work done just because you say you will. I then start to feel like I’m not who I want to be and feel lonely. It doesn’t help that I barely spoke to anyone today other than by the by conversations. I think by the end of days like these it’s easy to feel a bit insane.

Well. I’m praying that the sleep focus will start to pay off, I have actually been getting more sleep, and I meditated for the first time in a while today, it’s always tricky to begin with. HOPEFULLY tomorrow I can complete a full Paper 2, in fact I’m going to write here my goal and we shall see what I get done for my zeroth reader. My goal is this. Sit with nothing but the exam conditions for the full time. Even if you write NOTHING, just emulating the exam conditions is a really good turnaround. Hey you could always timelapse it if that helps (who is that you this is me).

I think having so many papers means that today and the past few days I was staring at ones I wasn’t particularly strong at, and that’s been intimidating me for a while, so I might try and set these as afternoon cramming activities as well as practice paper cycling. I think the notion of just gifting myself exam conditions is also a good move.

Maybe. Maybe. I might even be vulnerable enough to submit my grade and attempt here tomorrow, IF I think it will help motivate not stress me. Maybe sharing work in this way is what I need. Actually this feels like the kind of thing my mind works super well with, and given I’ve actually been obsessing with the major project and preparing skills and equipment that might help me with that because it will be something I can share and make things with maybe putting what I’m revising etc on my website will be a technique for encouraging better learning. My zeroth reader (hmm maybe I should put analytics on my site so I can see if people are seeing this) can be my encouraging revision aid!

Interesting, I sat down here with the intention of describing my preceding walk, and how it felt like one of those moments of complete lostness, I’d be lying if I said I felt disassociated - I was hoping for this, the meditation usually helps me get here too but exam stress is always a big one (sometimes even 30 minutes isn’t enough). The walk was short and I was hoping to sit on a bench somewhere and type, but I was so stressed I felt like I’d have everything on me stolen - and it’s cold and dark at night. I should go on a random revision blog bike ride sometime (hmmmm… interesting how the word revision managed to sneak in there).

But I love how my brain kind of just started planning ways to make tomorrow be that turnaround. I haven’t given myself credit at the debugging I did today either, I meditated, added/reinforced good habit coping mechanisms, caught up my journal (the bit before blogging) - a stressor that I think was seriously building up, I also spent ages ordering electronics parts online, but I think I’ll try and just do this before tomorrow because this was clearly quite important to me.

I was grateful for my chat with Andrea in the IfM today and how the Blank Street barista told me she had checked and I was allowed up to 4oz of matcha. It’s always lovely to know how much people think of each other. I think this is everything.

How do I feel about today’s entry?

I want to end with this so I don’t tend to a random minima. I don’t feel like it benefits others in raw wisdom, but it might be relatable? I do think it gave me some ideas and again helps me see how I write, which for now needs to be the priority. I want to look up how to write better, and learn about it/consider it more in general, but like with most things I think starting just makes the most sense. I worry these entries could become to-do lists etc, and I end up just thinking about it in a way that stresses me, but I think for my own personal benefit I need to remember this is entirely for me at the moment. Nobody is obliged to read, and I find it interesting that my life in general never feels this way.

I reckon with a few more days I will be able to slow the stress down to a stop, but it’s interesting how fast it is without me noticing. I’m also excited to not have this massive headache.